Mother of One

Today just dragged. I was so bored and sleepy. I got a full night's sleep, which is why it was wierd that I was still so tired today. The baby was pretty normal: eat, fuss, play, fuss, sleep, fuss, play, fuss, eat, and so on. My only light was my run with Jack Quinn this afternoon. I SO looked forward to jumping into my car at 5, listening to "All Things Considered" for 25 blessed uninterrupted minutes, then going on my 5K run. My run took me about 45 minutes, 30 of which I didn't think of anything except the person in front of me I wanted to catch, but knew I never would, the person behind me I hoped wouldn't catch me again, and I didn't think a bit about the baby. Then I remembered that my new running book said that running could be a great way to work through issues you have been having. Hmmmm... I thought. What issues? Oh yeah, the baby. I thought about how I had had all of these ideas of what a great mom I would be. I would put the baby on a schedule from the beginning. She would never be addicted to a pacifier. She would sleep through the night at 8 weeks old, just like the babies in all of my baby books. And then I thought of how one by one all of my ideas came tumbling down around me. Schedule? Hah! What's a schedule? You don't need a life! Pacifier? Don't be so prideful, she's addicted to sucking the tag on her sleep sack--can't sleep without it. Sleep through the night? Not quite. She still wakes up several times "Squacking"as a mom in my library group calls it. Then I prayed, "God, help me to let go of all of these ideas I thought makes a good mommy, and help me to just be my own good mommy, whatever that is." I thought of what I would find when I got home: Shane feeding the baby. I held onto this image as I ran the last 5 blocks back to my car. When I got home I got what I really wanted. Shane was feeding the baby her dessert: peaches, and crooning whatever was on the ipod. I loved being a mommy right then, as Carissa gave me a big peachy smile.