Saturday, February 28, 2009

Death Day

I don't know why I'm hanging on to this anniversary, which was actually yesterday, of the night that Shane was hit. I guess because it was probably one of the biggest life changing moments I've had so far.

Shane was riding his scooter to work at 8:00 p.m. when he was run over by a 19 year old girl in a Jetta. Both of us lungs collapsed, his liver--obliterated, head trauma, femur--broken, as well as many other bones in his body.

I had decided to go to bed early, and as usual, I didn't have my phone with me, and it was on silent. On a whim, I decided to check it. I had 8 missed calls from the same number. Strange, I thought. Only one voicemail. It was the police, no details. Very strange, I thought. I called Shane, "I got this call from the Colorado Springs Police, do you know what they want? Alright, call me back, bye." Then I got the call. "Where are you?" he asks, "Your husband has been in an accident. You need to go to the hospital and you need to plan on staying there all night." "All night!" I thought. "I have to teach in the morning!!!" Wow, was I in denial? Shock? I don't know. All I know is that God's amazing love wrapped around me like a blanket and got me into clothes, got me into the car, and got me safely to the hospital. I didn't even know where it was, but I got there.

I didn't know it, but the police were waiting with the girl at the scene to see if Shane made it to the hospital alive.

I should have known the severity of it all when I was ushered into the little private room in the ER and was given a chaplain. "But I want to be out there with all the normal people, why am I in here?" I thought.

Dr. Fisher: His blood pressure is 0, we're taking him into surgery right now.

Jean and Paula came and listened to Dr. Fisher and watched me for my reaction: completely blank. I don't even remember what Dr. Fisher said after the surgery.

The next morning reality came home. "When are Shane's parents getting here?" asked the nurse. "Next Friday." "They need to get here, NOW." "Why, he's going to be ok, isn't he?" "I never said that," said Dr. Bogarin. "What?!! What are his chances?" "About 50/50." He's a great doc, no bedside manner. I thought, "Why didn't we have any kids?"

I just realized this, but they had me stay in the little house next door to the hospital for three nights that is usually reserved for the family of cancer patients. They gave me the small, private room at the end of the hall in the ICU. They didn't expect him to make it.

Peggy, "Don't listen to Dr. Bogarin, he's going to live! He's going to make it! He's strong! I can feel it! He's going to make it! God's grace is on him, I can feel it!" If it weren't for Peggy's attitude, I wouldn't have made it, and maybe Shane wouldn't have either.

That night and next day and the next 6 weeks were so life changing. When I think back on that time I know the power of God's grace. I know I contained a strength that was not my own. I gave myself totally up to that power. I surrendered everything, and got back everything, and more.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Life is Grand

Life is indeed grand, but I have trouble putting all I'm thinking about grand life into thoughts and pictures. When I think, "Life is grand," I think of all the inbetween times. Times that don't mean anything, but really mean everything. I think of The Most Beautiful Place. It's this place that Shane and I passed through while backpacking with the dogs one summer. We were so hot and thirsty and had just hiked up Payne Creek. We stopped and drank from a creek and looked around. I must have been delirious from all the hiking and lack of water on the trail, but I thought, this is the most beautiful place I've ever seen. It was a giant grove of aspen trees on top of a hill. That's all. And I was there to see it.

I think of being in the hospital waiting room and realizing that I am really and truly loved and cared for. "People really care, people are truly good inside," I thought as complete strangers shared their heartbreak with me, shared coffee and meals. When friends called from all over the United States to say they were praying for us. When friends and co-workers brought over meals. When my dad took three weeks off of work to stay with me.

Life is grand when I look at my baby sleeping and think, "I am so unworthy to take care of this little one, but I was blessed with her anyway."

Life is grand when I realize how lost I would be without Shane's love.