Honestly

Honestly, I don't think I need this blog anymore. I'm not holding it in my death grip like I did in the beginning. For one, I don't have "Perfect Mom" to compete with anymore. I finally stopped reading her blog and started feeling really good about myself. The other day Carissa started waving at everyone in the grocery store. It was so cool. It was one of those moments where I wanted to grab the person next to me and say, "Did you see what my baby just did? Isn't she so smart? So cute? Wow, look! She just waved to you!!" And ya know? I wouldn't have had that awesome moment of glee with my baby had "Perfect Mom's" baby done that three weeks before Carissa and had blogged all about it. I would have had a knot in my stomach thinking that something was wrong with her. Why won't she wave!!! Oh my God something is wrong with her!!! I've stopped panicking about Carissa's schedule, what she eats, what she doesn't eat, why won't she stop crying, and wondering if I am a horrible mom. Life is a lot calmer, more peaceful. I enjoy Carissa more. I know now that I KNOW what to do for her. I know that I am not alone. I know that I can handle what comes my way. I still don't REALLY enjoy being a stay at home mom. I don't like the feeling that I'm never accomplishing anything. It still feels like the same things over and over and over. But to me I'm doing the best thing for Carissa. I'm giving her stability and love and lots of hugs and kisses. When I told a friend that I struggle with finding happiness at home, she sort of implied that I need to study up on gratefulness. I don't think I'm ungrateful for what I have. I have special moments each day where I'm so so so grateful for my baby girl. No, I love being a mom, I'm just bored with the stay at home part. I made a "life plan" the other day, and that helped me put the stay at home part of my life in perspective. I'm only going to be at home with Carissa for two more years, then I'm on my way to being a certified teacher and reading specialist, to races all around the country with Filoli and maybe Barbara and others I meet along the way, to travel with and without Carissa, to going to Carissa's gymnastics meets, dance recitals, or whatever she's into, and then onto helping Shane become the brewer he wants to be. There is so much of my life I'm excited about. And I'm so excited about the miracle happening right in front of me right now. Carissa took steps while I held her up! And now, honestly, I must go to bed.

5k on St. Patrick's Day

My first 5k of the year! A couple of weeks ago I thought, oh shit! My race is coming up! I'm only running about once a week! So I kicked my training into high gear for about two weeks, after averaging about twice per week over the winter. I managed to shave off nearly 7 minutes from my first ever 5k from last August, and 5 minutes off of my last 5k last October. I crossed the finish line in 33 minutes! As soon as I crossed the line I thought, next time I'm going to do this in under 30. I think that's a sign that I love running. Here's another great thing: it only took me about 3 minutes of cool down after the race to go from, "I think I'm going to barf" to "Wow, I'm feeling great!" This race was awesome in that there were so many people running and it was a beautiful sunny morning, though 32 degrees. This race could have been a lot better if there were more support people cheering the runners on on the sidelines, and if the mile markers had been more visible. I'm really proud of myself for pushing all the way down the home-stretch. I started passing people left and right after the last turn. My nerves were so bad, though. I think my stomach and all of it's butterflies started pressing up into my lungs and taking up all of my lung space. I could barely breathe and I felt so sick as I sprinted the last block. Boulder Bolder, here I come!

Sadness

I need to write...I don't want to write, but I need to.

I need to get out of my heart everything that's bothering me.

Please don't say, "you shouldn't be so hard on yourself," or "Don't listen to your negative thoughts," or "She'll be fine, she's ok." I just want to talk without judgement, for once. Why is it that people think I need to be told what to do all the time? I HATE being told "You should......" I just need those two words banned from vocabulary, everywhere.

Just listen, please.

Carissa is going to physical therapy. Her last orthopedic appt. didn't go so great. I went in thinking everything was going to be hunky-dory. I wasn't stressed, I wasn't even thinking about it. And then the doc says, "Her right hip still looks a little loose." I covered my eyes with my hand, as if to block out the x-ray, and slumped. I couldn't believe it. I thought we were done. I thought she was going to be fine, it was complete, over, perfect. No. Her hips are unstable, that means she doesn't like to stand, she feels wobbly. But if she doesn't stand, her hips will not form correctly. She needs the pressure of standing to form her hips. It's a viscious cycle. We have to go to physical therapy to help her stand and walk.

I sob on the way home. I don't know why, but I do. I realize that I'm terrified....of I don't know what. Before I had a baby I imagined watching her stand, watching her pull up and walk. I never imagined it being in a physical therapist's office. When we go to my mommy group or baby story time I see all the other babies standing, crawling, taking steps. They aren't scared. They don't hurt. They are making the transition easily and normally, with some falls, of course. Carissa is delayed. It hurts to think about that. It makes me so sad. It's a sadness I didn't even know I had that just wells up from deep down in my heart. I don't know what it's about.

And then we go to the physical therapy appointment. She isn't crawling, she scoots on her bottom and pulls with her hands. I never thought that was a bad thing. I never gave myself a hard time about it. The doctor never told me she needed to crawl. The books all say it's an optional milestone. Dr. Siegel, the orthopedic surgeon always said some babies just walk and skip crawling. So when I spoke to the physical therapist, she gave me a ton of reasons why it's good for babies to crawl. It involves their trunk muscles, which scooting doesn't. It helps their hand-eye coordination and their cross-over skills, which scooting doesn't. She could more easily get to her knees to kneel, which now I have to train her to do, to engage her muscles that help stabilize her hips. Why didn't I give her more tummy time? As soon as she learned how to sit I gave up on tummy time. She played more easily from a sit than from her belly. She always cried when I gave her tummy time. And lots of friends said their babies hated tummy time, too, but they all learned how to crawl. I wish I had known how much it would have helped her, particulary with all of her problems now.