Honestly

Honestly, I don't think I need this blog anymore. I'm not holding it in my death grip like I did in the beginning. For one, I don't have "Perfect Mom" to compete with anymore. I finally stopped reading her blog and started feeling really good about myself. The other day Carissa started waving at everyone in the grocery store. It was so cool. It was one of those moments where I wanted to grab the person next to me and say, "Did you see what my baby just did? Isn't she so smart? So cute? Wow, look! She just waved to you!!" And ya know? I wouldn't have had that awesome moment of glee with my baby had "Perfect Mom's" baby done that three weeks before Carissa and had blogged all about it. I would have had a knot in my stomach thinking that something was wrong with her. Why won't she wave!!! Oh my God something is wrong with her!!! I've stopped panicking about Carissa's schedule, what she eats, what she doesn't eat, why won't she stop crying, and wondering if I am a horrible mom. Life is a lot calmer, more peaceful. I enjoy Carissa more. I know now that I KNOW what to do for her. I know that I am not alone. I know that I can handle what comes my way. I still don't REALLY enjoy being a stay at home mom. I don't like the feeling that I'm never accomplishing anything. It still feels like the same things over and over and over. But to me I'm doing the best thing for Carissa. I'm giving her stability and love and lots of hugs and kisses. When I told a friend that I struggle with finding happiness at home, she sort of implied that I need to study up on gratefulness. I don't think I'm ungrateful for what I have. I have special moments each day where I'm so so so grateful for my baby girl. No, I love being a mom, I'm just bored with the stay at home part. I made a "life plan" the other day, and that helped me put the stay at home part of my life in perspective. I'm only going to be at home with Carissa for two more years, then I'm on my way to being a certified teacher and reading specialist, to races all around the country with Filoli and maybe Barbara and others I meet along the way, to travel with and without Carissa, to going to Carissa's gymnastics meets, dance recitals, or whatever she's into, and then onto helping Shane become the brewer he wants to be. There is so much of my life I'm excited about. And I'm so excited about the miracle happening right in front of me right now. Carissa took steps while I held her up! And now, honestly, I must go to bed.