Mother of One

This Post Made Me Cry

2009-07-03T15:54:00.001-07:00

Ok, I know, horrible title, but this post really did make me cry. Maybe I'm just imagining Carissa crossing the finish line one day and part of my heart going with her, or maybe the part about failures as a parent making us better parents, but it tugged on my heart strings. I had a thought the other day, yes, just one, that Carissa is this potentially beautiful flower. God has already given her the genes and DNA and all the potential she will ever need to become her own beautiful creation. I'm just the gardener who stakes her up when she's over burdened, waters her when she's wilty, covers her with shade netting when she's too hot. I just need to love her, protect her and support her until she reaches that full bloom, and even after. All of her beautiful personality is already there, waiting to come out, I'm not going to screw that up.

New Stuff I'm Into

2009-06-24T09:35:00.000-07:00

Hi! I know it's been a while, but I've been busy!! You see, I started to train for this insane triathlon in September with Team in Training. Check out my other blog to get updates, if you want to: www.triathlonhereicome.blogspot.com. Last night at training I was asking my coach what I should focus on, since I pretty much suck at everything. I said, " So since I suck at the bike and the swim, oh wait, and I suck at running, too.... what should I focus on?" She starts laughing, " So I signed up for this race....." Yeah, pretty much. So I haven't been training like I should, I know, it's just so overwhelming. And my daughter, cute, 16 month old daughter, isn't walking yet. She has hip dysplasia, which isn't like a disease, it's actually fixable, but I thought it would be fixed like, a year ago now. So I'm really weirded out and scared that it's not fixed yet. And I hate looking at the way she kind of drags her left leg along with her ankles all rolled in when she "walks" with our fingers or her car. I just have to trust her pt, this is fixable. She will be totally normal in a few years, you won't be able to tell her apart from the other little ones running around. I just have to believe it. And on top of training and my daughter's ( I love saying "my daughter") pt, I have also gone to Vegas, for a long weekend, two days of which we spent driving back and forth, and fundraising for before said triathlon. Crazy, crazy days. On top of house work and meals I'm supposed to somehow provide, you know, I'm a stay at home mom, that's actually my job, so I feel totally inadequate when I look around at all the dog hair and stains on the tile, the mildew growing in the bathtub, the pee smell coming from the carpet, oh god I live in a pig sty!! So yes, I've fallen off of the blog bandwagon.

I'm seriously considering going back to work. I'm really going insane staying at home and trying to do everything.

I'm seriously considering giving up the "dream" of Cyclebrew. This is my passive aggressive way of confronting this issue.

Ok, I'm cleaning up the desk now.

Square Foot Gardening

2009-04-17T07:28:00.000-07:00

I started a garden, again, in the backyard. Every year we try, and every year we fail. Hey, it's Colorado, things just don't grow here. But now I supposedly found a fool proof, fail proof gardening method. This is my last ditch effort. It all makes sense, especially for our poor Colorado soil quality. The premise of "Square Foot Gardening" is that you don't use ANY of your own soil, and that you don't waste any space.

First Speedbump built me some nice boxes, four feet by four feet, six inches deep. I filled them with a soil mixture: 1/3 vermiculite, 1/3 compost and 1/3 peat moss.

Then I marked off every 12 inches (it didn't really work out that way, see I screwed up already, I am arithmatically challenged) with string and made a grid.

Then I used pvc pipe to make a structure to hold up clear plastic, since it regularly snows in spring.

Then I started planting, but only cold weather crops. I planted lettuce, you can get four per square, broccoli, one per square, and spinach, nine per square. I also put in some pansies at four per square just because they are cute.

Next I'll be planting turnips, sugar snap peas, carrots and beets from seed directly into the garden. Around May 15th I'll be planting tomatoes, cilantro, and peppers.

Honestly

2009-03-31T19:45:00.000-07:00

Honestly, I don't think I need this blog anymore. I'm not holding it in my death grip like I did in the beginning. For one, I don't have "Perfect Mom" to compete with anymore. I finally stopped reading her blog and started feeling really good about myself. The other day Carissa started waving at everyone in the grocery store. It was so cool. It was one of those moments where I wanted to grab the person next to me and say, "Did you see what my baby just did? Isn't she so smart? So cute? Wow, look! She just waved to you!!" And ya know? I wouldn't have had that awesome moment of glee with my baby had "Perfect Mom's" baby done that three weeks before Carissa and had blogged all about it. I would have had a knot in my stomach thinking that something was wrong with her. Why won't she wave!!! Oh my God something is wrong with her!!! I've stopped panicking about Carissa's schedule, what she eats, what she doesn't eat, why won't she stop crying, and wondering if I am a horrible mom. Life is a lot calmer, more peaceful. I enjoy Carissa more. I know now that I KNOW what to do for her. I know that I am not alone. I know that I can handle what comes my way. I still don't REALLY enjoy being a stay at home mom. I don't like the feeling that I'm never accomplishing anything. It still feels like the same things over and over and over. But to me I'm doing the best thing for Carissa. I'm giving her stability and love and lots of hugs and kisses. When I told a friend that I struggle with finding happiness at home, she sort of implied that I need to study up on gratefulness. I don't think I'm ungrateful for what I have. I have special moments each day where I'm so so so grateful for my baby girl. No, I love being a mom, I'm just bored with the stay at home part. I made a "life plan" the other day, and that helped me put the stay at home part of my life in perspective. I'm only going to be at home with Carissa for two more years, then I'm on my way to being a certified teacher and reading specialist, to races all around the country with Filoli and maybe Barbara and others I meet along the way, to travel with and without Carissa, to going to Carissa's gymnastics meets, dance recitals, or whatever she's into, and then onto helping Shane become the brewer he wants to be. There is so much of my life I'm excited about. And I'm so excited about the miracle happening right in front of me right now. Carissa took steps while I held her up! And now, honestly, I must go to bed.

5k on St. Patrick's Day

2009-03-15T12:00:00.001-07:00

My first 5k of the year! A couple of weeks ago I thought, oh shit! My race is coming up! I'm only running about once a week! So I kicked my training into high gear for about two weeks, after averaging about twice per week over the winter. I managed to shave off nearly 7 minutes from my first ever 5k from last August, and 5 minutes off of my last 5k last October. I crossed the finish line in 33 minutes! As soon as I crossed the line I thought, next time I'm going to do this in under 30. I think that's a sign that I love running. Here's another great thing: it only took me about 3 minutes of cool down after the race to go from, "I think I'm going to barf" to "Wow, I'm feeling great!" This race was awesome in that there were so many people running and it was a beautiful sunny morning, though 32 degrees. This race could have been a lot better if there were more support people cheering the runners on on the sidelines, and if the mile markers had been more visible. I'm really proud of myself for pushing all the way down the home-stretch. I started passing people left and right after the last turn. My nerves were so bad, though. I think my stomach and all of it's butterflies started pressing up into my lungs and taking up all of my lung space. I could barely breathe and I felt so sick as I sprinted the last block. Boulder Bolder, here I come!

Sadness

2009-03-12T09:03:00.000-07:00

I need to write...I don't want to write, but I need to.

I need to get out of my heart everything that's bothering me.

Please don't say, "you shouldn't be so hard on yourself," or "Don't listen to your negative thoughts," or "She'll be fine, she's ok." I just want to talk without judgement, for once. Why is it that people think I need to be told what to do all the time? I HATE being told "You should......" I just need those two words banned from vocabulary, everywhere.

Just listen, please.

Carissa is going to physical therapy. Her last orthopedic appt. didn't go so great. I went in thinking everything was going to be hunky-dory. I wasn't stressed, I wasn't even thinking about it. And then the doc says, "Her right hip still looks a little loose." I covered my eyes with my hand, as if to block out the x-ray, and slumped. I couldn't believe it. I thought we were done. I thought she was going to be fine, it was complete, over, perfect. No. Her hips are unstable, that means she doesn't like to stand, she feels wobbly. But if she doesn't stand, her hips will not form correctly. She needs the pressure of standing to form her hips. It's a viscious cycle. We have to go to physical therapy to help her stand and walk.

I sob on the way home. I don't know why, but I do. I realize that I'm terrified....of I don't know what. Before I had a baby I imagined watching her stand, watching her pull up and walk. I never imagined it being in a physical therapist's office. When we go to my mommy group or baby story time I see all the other babies standing, crawling, taking steps. They aren't scared. They don't hurt. They are making the transition easily and normally, with some falls, of course. Carissa is delayed. It hurts to think about that. It makes me so sad. It's a sadness I didn't even know I had that just wells up from deep down in my heart. I don't know what it's about.

And then we go to the physical therapy appointment. She isn't crawling, she scoots on her bottom and pulls with her hands. I never thought that was a bad thing. I never gave myself a hard time about it. The doctor never told me she needed to crawl. The books all say it's an optional milestone. Dr. Siegel, the orthopedic surgeon always said some babies just walk and skip crawling. So when I spoke to the physical therapist, she gave me a ton of reasons why it's good for babies to crawl. It involves their trunk muscles, which scooting doesn't. It helps their hand-eye coordination and their cross-over skills, which scooting doesn't. She could more easily get to her knees to kneel, which now I have to train her to do, to engage her muscles that help stabilize her hips. Why didn't I give her more tummy time? As soon as she learned how to sit I gave up on tummy time. She played more easily from a sit than from her belly. She always cried when I gave her tummy time. And lots of friends said their babies hated tummy time, too, but they all learned how to crawl. I wish I had known how much it would have helped her, particulary with all of her problems now.

Death Day

2009-02-28T06:06:00.001-08:00

I don't know why I'm hanging on to this anniversary, which was actually yesterday, of the night that Shane was hit. I guess because it was probably one of the biggest life changing moments I've had so far.

Shane was riding his scooter to work at 8:00 p.m. when he was run over by a 19 year old girl in a Jetta. Both of us lungs collapsed, his liver--obliterated, head trauma, femur--broken, as well as many other bones in his body.

I had decided to go to bed early, and as usual, I didn't have my phone with me, and it was on silent. On a whim, I decided to check it. I had 8 missed calls from the same number. Strange, I thought. Only one voicemail. It was the police, no details. Very strange, I thought. I called Shane, "I got this call from the Colorado Springs Police, do you know what they want? Alright, call me back, bye." Then I got the call. "Where are you?" he asks, "Your husband has been in an accident. You need to go to the hospital and you need to plan on staying there all night." "All night!" I thought. "I have to teach in the morning!!!" Wow, was I in denial? Shock? I don't know. All I know is that God's amazing love wrapped around me like a blanket and got me into clothes, got me into the car, and got me safely to the hospital. I didn't even know where it was, but I got there.

I didn't know it, but the police were waiting with the girl at the scene to see if Shane made it to the hospital alive.

I should have known the severity of it all when I was ushered into the little private room in the ER and was given a chaplain. "But I want to be out there with all the normal people, why am I in here?" I thought.

Dr. Fisher: His blood pressure is 0, we're taking him into surgery right now.

Jean and Paula came and listened to Dr. Fisher and watched me for my reaction: completely blank. I don't even remember what Dr. Fisher said after the surgery.

The next morning reality came home. "When are Shane's parents getting here?" asked the nurse. "Next Friday." "They need to get here, NOW." "Why, he's going to be ok, isn't he?" "I never said that," said Dr. Bogarin. "What?!! What are his chances?" "About 50/50." He's a great doc, no bedside manner. I thought, "Why didn't we have any kids?"

I just realized this, but they had me stay in the little house next door to the hospital for three nights that is usually reserved for the family of cancer patients. They gave me the small, private room at the end of the hall in the ICU. They didn't expect him to make it.

Peggy, "Don't listen to Dr. Bogarin, he's going to live! He's going to make it! He's strong! I can feel it! He's going to make it! God's grace is on him, I can feel it!" If it weren't for Peggy's attitude, I wouldn't have made it, and maybe Shane wouldn't have either.

That night and next day and the next 6 weeks were so life changing. When I think back on that time I know the power of God's grace. I know I contained a strength that was not my own. I gave myself totally up to that power. I surrendered everything, and got back everything, and more.

Life is Grand

2009-02-13T12:42:00.000-08:00

Life is indeed grand, but I have trouble putting all I'm thinking about grand life into thoughts and pictures. When I think, "Life is grand," I think of all the inbetween times. Times that don't mean anything, but really mean everything. I think of The Most Beautiful Place. It's this place that Shane and I passed through while backpacking with the dogs one summer. We were so hot and thirsty and had just hiked up Payne Creek. We stopped and drank from a creek and looked around. I must have been delirious from all the hiking and lack of water on the trail, but I thought, this is the most beautiful place I've ever seen. It was a giant grove of aspen trees on top of a hill. That's all. And I was there to see it.

I think of being in the hospital waiting room and realizing that I am really and truly loved and cared for. "People really care, people are truly good inside," I thought as complete strangers shared their heartbreak with me, shared coffee and meals. When friends called from all over the United States to say they were praying for us. When friends and co-workers brought over meals. When my dad took three weeks off of work to stay with me.

Life is grand when I look at my baby sleeping and think, "I am so unworthy to take care of this little one, but I was blessed with her anyway."

Life is grand when I realize how lost I would be without Shane's love.

Gratitude

2009-01-28T19:47:00.000-08:00

Ok, Filoli, I just read your friends referral blog, which was wonderously wonderful, and now I feel like a total jerk. Yes, that is an ANT, Shane, but that's beside the point. I've had this amazing baby for almost a whole year. I got to feel her every flip and flop in my belly, got to hear her first cry, see her first smile, hear her first laugh, and have gotten to spend almost every moment of her entire life with her. And what have I done? Complained!!! Ok, maybe not entirely. But I have done quite a bit of whining about her fussiness, the loss of freedom, the loss of being soley with my husband, loss, loss, loss! But I have GAINED this incredible human being! and been entirely ungrateful. Filoli, you especially must think I'm a big jerk, sorry. Your friend is over the moon in love with this little person she hasn't even met yet! What incredible love! But in reality: what incredible work. Ok, I'm not complaining, just being realistic. Sometimes we forget what little miracles we are entrusted with everyday and we just go through the motions. Diapers, feedings, crying, crying, crying, what do you want!!!!! But then, there it is! I'm over the moon again because she is laughing hysterically at her papa licking the oatmeal cookie covered egg beater thing.

Family Picture

2009-01-23T20:18:00.000-08:00

Ten and a half months old and growing!

2009-01-13T19:35:00.001-08:00

Thought I'd just do a quick update on Carissa. It seems like all of a sudden she has accomplished some things she's been working on for quite a while. She said Papa today! For a while now she's been working on whispering the soft little pa sound. But this morning Shane and I were in the kitchen, he had just gotten home, I was drinking my coffee and Carissa was in the playpen watching from afar. "Papa!" Just like that. Shane and I look at each other and smile and gasp, then he goes over there and bends down and she says, "Paaaaaaaa," and holds up her arms for him to pick her up. It was soooooo cute. I'm so glad I saw that. He melted. She can stand! With my help, of course. I was even having her try to pull up on the table today. She doesn't really enjoy standing, but it's coming along. She says, "ball ball ball ball ball," when she's playing with a ball. When the ball rolls away from her she can lean over and instead of grabbing it, which she has learned makes it roll away from her, she cups her hand around it and bats it toward herself with her fingers. She knows how to watch t.v. now. I know, not a real milestone, but still. I thought it was interesting that when she was younger she would totally ignore the t.v., but now she knows there are some fun things to watch on it. She eats most of her food with her fingers now, although she's pretty darn picky. I feel like I'm feeding her the same thing for breakfast, lunch and dinner. At least it's pretty healthy food. Peekaboo is still her favorite game ever. She gets a real kick out of hiding under a blanket. Sometimes she'll just hang out under there for a while. What is she waiting for, I wonder. I guess she's just intrigued. This week she has learned how to get from her belly to a sitting position, a HUGE accomplishment, I think. And, this week we started to "discipline" her. I know, it's time already. When she is getting ready to throw food on the floor I say a warning, "ummmmmmmm!" Then when she throws it I say, "uh-oh!" and pick her up and put her in a room alone for about a minute. She doesn't seem to get that this is supposed to be a punishment! Well, it's good practice for me. I'm learning that the baby is smart and can be trained when she does something that is unacceptable. This morning I gave her that warning, "ummmmmm!" and she put the grahm cracker back on her tray and shook her head no! Wow, maybe it is working!! I think she is signing back to me, too. I've been trying to teach her, "all finished," when she is finished eating (cakes are done, people are finished). Today I really think she signed back, even though she really wasn't finished eating. Carissa's world just keeps getting bigger and bigger. Completely amazing.

Perspective

2009-01-07T19:28:00.000-08:00

I took a tour of all of Carissa's baby pictures today.....amazing. It's amazing how much she has grown, how beautiful she has become, how much of her own person she is becoming, and how much I love her. Just looking at each of her pictures, even if I was troubled when I started, my heart has softened as I have finished. It is so unexplainable. I don't even like her sometimes!! She can be a brat, a hellion, a demanding, selfish----baby! But she's mine, and she is incredible. I've realized this week how much I struggle with certain things, how I know I struggle with them, but I can't help but be this person I don't want to be. I pray I can keep growing and becoming more beautiful, to grow out of my demanding, selfish babyness. I've never pretended that I have it all together, that I am perfect. I'll never hide the fact that I will always need help. There is so much more out there, and in me.

A New Run

2009-01-07T18:44:00.000-08:00

It's the new year, it's time to switch things up a bit. Carissa and I are off to Evergreen, CO tomorrow morning in the hopes of hunting down a lovely bit of wilderness to run in. I'm imagining pine trees, rolling hills, views of Denver, hard-packed trails......we'll see if it turns out that way. I'll take pictures!

Like Mother, Like Grandmother

2009-01-04T08:06:00.000-08:00

This dress that Carissa is wearing is a very special dress. Both me and my mom wore this dress when we were babies and took black and white pictures in it. That means this dress is fifty years old! I will have to get my mom to send me copies of those special black and whites.

Christmas 2008

2009-01-01T07:46:00.001-08:00

Here are just a few picture highlights from Carissa's first Christmas.

Whew!

2008-12-03T20:31:00.000-08:00

Whew! Ok, my blog just had a mid-life crisis, I know you all understand.

Thanksgiving '08

2008-11-28T08:16:00.000-08:00

Aunt Jean, Aunt Paula, Uncle Brad, plus new girlfriend with two teenage kids and Aunt Paula's mother. This is what Thanksgiving consisted of this year, and no, we're not really related to any of these people. But these people are what our family is now. We've known them almost as long as we've lived in the Springs and we've bonded through miraculous tragedy. Jean and Paula are the women who stayed up with me all night the night that Shane got run over. Brad fed us again and again and again at the hospital. We bicker and fight like family, but we always come back together. We have virtually nothing in common, but that's what keeps things interesting, right? There was no indegestion after dinner this year, no splenda (thank God), but no Jake and Claire, either, big bummer. No mishap with too many people bringing bread. And the best thing about Thanksgiving this year? There was no Shane walking home in the snow (in shorts) after slamming his broken $60 bottle of Stranahan's in the middle of the intersection. Is that the anger management problem we've been hearing about?

I'm 9 months old!

2008-11-22T09:50:00.000-08:00

Carissa is 9 months old, and has said her first word! She has been babbling since she was around 3 or 4 months old, occasionally saying mama, dada, baba, agoo, etc. But yesterday she looked right at me, said, "Maaaammaaaaaaaa!" and held out her arms. I have to believe that she really meant mama as in the person who keeps her warm and safe and snuggly. She also successfully used the spoon to get yogurt into her mouth! I really didn't know what I was trying to accomplish when I gave her a spoon loaded up with a white, gooey substance that would in all probability end up all over me, the floor, the walls and not in her mouth; but she really put the spoon in her mouth and slurped up the yogurt! I was so excited! Ok, I'm not trying to say that my child poops gold or anything like that. You all know what a tough year I've had adjusting to motherhood. I'm just so glad to finally see and feel some.......progress? results? enjoyment? (She also can play peekaboo! and isn't that the cutest picture ever?)

Carissa's Hip Update

2008-11-20T19:57:00.000-08:00

I thought I would update everyone on how Carissa is doing with her hip dysplasia. Today we went to see her orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Siegel. Just writing the word "surgeon" freaks me out, and yes, surgery is always a possibility for her. Let me recap what has happened with her hips recently. At almost three months old we were told that Carissa could stop wearing her harness altogether, her hips looked good. At six months old we were told that her right hip ball hadn't formed from cartilage to bone, and therefore her hip angle wasn't coming along as it should; she would have to wear a brace again only at night. I also had her wear it during naps, too, since she slept so well with it on. Today Dr. Siegel said her x-ray showed both hip balls had formed bone, and her right hip angle had come from 29 to 24. The goal is to get it to below 20 by age two. Her left hip is already at 20. In Dr. Siegel's words, her hips look, "gorgeous." I am particularly worried about Carissa's gross motor skill development. She seems to have no interest in moving around. She won't scoot, crawl, creep, pull up, or stand with my support. She sits. Dr. Siegel said not to worry, at all. In fact some babies don't walk until 18 months! She reassured me not to worry unless she's still not pulling up at 12 or 13 months. "Listen to how vocal she is, though," Dr. Siegel said. It's true. My little girl is a talker. She babbles and coos constantly. At birth she could say, "agoo," and it's just built from there. Today I asked her for an orange she was playing with with my hand stretched out and she gave it to me. I think she's doing really well where language is concerned. And she may be a gymnast! Because of her hip dysplasia, she is incredibly flexible. When I lay her on her tummy sometimes her legs go straight out to the sides in the splits. Dr. Siegel also said this was totally normal for babies with hip dysplasia, nothing to worry about and she would probably be flexible for the rest of her life. Lucky her. Thank God for orthopedic surgeons and for hip checks at birth. I asked what the consequences of hip dysplasia were. She said that if hips weren't formed perfectly then there could be degenitive arthritis and hip replacement surgery at 30 years old. Wow, that's scary. She also pointed out that even though her hips look good now, there is no guarantee that her hip checks later on will turn out great. So keep praying!

Hmmmm.....

2008-11-03T19:23:00.000-08:00

I just want to think a bit outloud...bear with me. We are trying to go see some friends in Portland. Some really good friends whom we haven't seen in at least 4 years. We've entirely missed one of their kids' birth and childhood. The other three we've missed a great deal of their lives. Sad. So we're going. But here's the problem. It seems like it's so much work to go on vacation. What are we going to do with the dogs? The cat? The house? The BABY!! Ok, we're taking the baby, obviously. How are we supposed to bring food and formula (oh yeah, I'm not nursing any more, judge me, I dare you) and diapers and a curling iron-you know, the necessities. Oy! It just seems like it's too much to handle looking at it from this side. But a lot of things looked like they were just too big to handle, but they turned out to be ok. Just look at Shane's rising from the dead. I'm glad I didn't see that one coming.

Ok, here's another totally different train of thought. I'm so tired of being nice!!! Where has nice gotten me, really. I'm just lying to myself and to everyone else. So my "friend" totally flaked on us, again, the other night. We had invited her, them, whatever they are, to have a fun wine tasting, just like Filoli does. Well, Saturday afternoon rolls around, and we still hadn't nailed down a plan. So my dear Speedbump calls her up. Well, maybe she can and maybe she can't. She's sooooooo busy today. AAAARrrrggggghhhh! I was pissed. That's worse than flaking. It's like we have to hold our schedule open to see if we will be blessed by her presence or not. So I called her back and left a message. Have fun with whatever you're doing, we'll be doing something else, said I. I'm so proud of myself for honestly assessing the situation, being justifiably pissed off, then doing something about it. Is this a wise path to travel on? Hmmmmmm......

Obama '08

2008-10-15T16:33:00.000-07:00

I went to pick up an Obama sign last night, but there is a statewide shortage! A good thing, I guess. So I made my own today! Pretty cute.

Gerber Baby Turned Monster

2008-10-08T14:11:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that mere hours ago I was as so proud of my baby girl I could fly. Now I have careened back to Earth, plummeting into the planet creating a huge, ugly crater. Much like the one I just put into my wall. This morning, although she didn't nap well, was off to a great start. After Carissa's not so lengthy nap we packed off to our "neighborhood" coffee shop. Raven's Nest is halfway across town, but I wish it were in our neighborhood, does that count as a "neighborhood" coffee shop? We're really good friends with the owners, Paul and Heather. I was sooo dissapointed that Heather wasn't there, but Paul sneaked (yes, that is correct grammer) me a free coffee. Carissa and I sat on a couch in the bright morning light admiring the new art around the shop. As I snacked on my danish and sipped my coffee, Carissa happily played with my wallet, diaper bag and rice poof dish. Two ladies with toddlers came in and I could hear them whispering, "My baby never sat like that." "Mine neither." I was so proud my heart fluttered. Then I got up and paid for a newspaper. While it was only 3 feet away I could see the mommies watching Carissa to see what she would do. She just kept on playing, not crying for me or topplying off the couch, or anything! I read several sections of the paper while I finished my coffee. To those of you who don't have kids--this is an amazing feat. I could hardly believe my little munchkin was sitting with me on the couch, at Raven't Nest, while I read the paper. Incredible! AND that wasn't even the best part of my morning! This lovely middle-aged woman comes in and apparently is immediately struck by the beauty of my little girl. (Gack! I know--brag alert). She plops down in front of us and starts saying things like, "What a lot of hair she has!" "Beautiful caramel color" "Blue eyes turning brown" "She must be a picses, she looks so sensitive" "She knows what she wants" "Beautiful name, too" "She looks like she could be in a magazine" "Gerber baby" My heart soared! Someone else has seen what I see everyday...confirmed that my baby is the most beautiful baby in the world!! Ok, I'm being hyperbolic, only because she turned into Godzilla baby not less than 3 hours later. All those cat-naps today have added up into one complete catastrophe. I won't go into details, but let me just tell you that both of us were crying and one of us threw a book and now there is a hole in my living room wall. Not enough sleep makes both mommy and baby completely crazy. She's napping now, Thank you Jeebus.

The Great Pumpkin Run 2008

2008-09-27T14:39:00.000-07:00

This morning I was lucky enough to find myself at Venetucci Farms in Colorado Springs preparing for my second ever 5K. I was determined to run the whole way and improve my previous 5 K time. What a beautiful morning! The sun was rising, a breeze was blowing, and my husband and baby were there to cheer me on. I had a great time. The run took us around a horse barn, a pig pen, around corn fields, through a field where horses were roaming freely (and almost ran us over if it had not been for a cowboy chasing them away), through trees, by Fountain Creek, then on to the finish.

After the race I had a lot of fun showing Carissa her first horse,

chickens, tractorand going to the "Farm Stand." I didn't win any prizes, but I did improve my time by 3 minutes and I ran the entire route. I even closed strong by whipping past two people on my way in. I can not tell you how good it felt to run this morning.

Life has never been the same...

2008-09-20T10:54:00.000-07:00

I'm not kidding, this is a picture of our dining room table from about 30 minutes ago. Notice that I have two black mugs by my plate. One is from the tea I started at 6:30 this morning, unfinished. One is the coffee I shouldn't be drinking because I'm still nursing. I don't have a placemat--it's on the floor because that's where Carissa threw it. Double bibs: she's just that messy.

30 miles and ten weeks later.....

2008-09-16T19:27:00.000-07:00

I did it! After ten weeks of running a 5K every Tuesday night with Jack Quinn's Running Club I finally got my t-shirt. Even better, I ran the entire 5K route without stopping once! I'm so flippin proud of myself. Ok, so here are the gory details.

My wonderful, supportive husband, who has a horrible head cold wanted to bring the baby to come support me as I ran my tenth Tuesday night. It was more difficult to bring the baby, definitely. I had to bring her dinner (oatmeal and peaches, butternut squash and formula), they had to find somewhere to not get in trouble while I ran, and then we had to figure out how to get the baby, husband and myself into the bar and wait to be "shirted" at her bed time. I started off way too fast. I guess I was just excited about running my tenth time, plus, everyone I was running with was zooming past me this way and that. I took particular notice of three chicks wearing heavy perfume. One of which was platinum blonde, had her hair in pigtails and was wearing a running skirt that was way to small for her well endowed behind. Jack Quinn's is a bar, as I've mentioned before, and therefore, the barflys that might be more comfortable standing around inside decide they might get noticed more if they run around outside with the rest of us who are actually serious about running. So this barfly runs past me and I think, "I'm just going to run at my own pace. My goal is to finish without stopping, not to pass people." So I keep it up. I'm running pretty slowly, not passing anyone. But then at the turn around as we are heading up a big hill I see the barflys--walking. I'm still running and run right past them. Yay! What a rush, what a feeling of accomplishment. Then not more than two minutes later they zoom right past me again. They are running way to fast and I wonder if they will be able to keep up the pace. Nope! I pass them again, and again, and finally, as I pass them for the last time I hear one of them say, "shit!" Now that felt good. It felt even better that when I finished and was cooling off with my husband and the baby we waited about 10 minutes before I see those platinum blonde pigtails sail past.

Dear Carissa,

2008-09-11T08:21:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I last posted, and the reason is that I am scared to write what I've been thinking of writing. I wrote a letter to my daughter a few weeks ago in my journal and I decided I wanted to write it in my blog for all of you to see. It's just that I'm scared for everyone else to see it. Will you judge me? (the hyphens are unique to my journal writing, I really do know how to use the comma and the period)

Dear Carissa,
I had a thought today-you are who you are-even now. Your eyes, your skin, your hair-they are all uniquely yours-I have no control over any of it. Your mannerisms-the way you don't care for pears but you love squash-what you laugh at-what you think is funny-the way you get up at 4 am-or all night long. That's YOU. Take it or leave it-that is who you are. I can't control that-any of it. I can't hate you for it. I will love you any way. You are my unique baby girl and I will love you for you and not begrudge you your differences. I'm sorry that that's what I've done. I've hated your differences-all the things that make you unique I've labeled as difficult and unworthy. Yes-some things are difficult-like not sleeping through the night-but that does not make up all of who you are-that does not make you unlovable.

Give me courage, dear Lord, to respect Carissa's differences and uniqueness. Give me a big love for all of her.

Obama kisses please!

2008-08-19T20:09:00.000-07:00

Does anyone know where I can stand at the Democratic National Convention so Barack Obama can kiss my baby? It's going to be really sad if I don't get up to Denver and stand around outside of a stadium somewhere to see (hopefully) our next future president and have him kiss my baby. He would pick mine, right? She will be the cutest one =). I'm counting on you, Filoli, to find this out for me!

2008-08-19T19:34:00.000-07:00

Today just dragged. I was so bored and sleepy. I got a full night's sleep, which is why it was wierd that I was still so tired today. The baby was pretty normal: eat, fuss, play, fuss, sleep, fuss, play, fuss, eat, and so on. My only light was my run with Jack Quinn this afternoon. I SO looked forward to jumping into my car at 5, listening to "All Things Considered" for 25 blessed uninterrupted minutes, then going on my 5K run. My run took me about 45 minutes, 30 of which I didn't think of anything except the person in front of me I wanted to catch, but knew I never would, the person behind me I hoped wouldn't catch me again, and I didn't think a bit about the baby. Then I remembered that my new running book said that running could be a great way to work through issues you have been having. Hmmmm... I thought. What issues? Oh yeah, the baby. I thought about how I had had all of these ideas of what a great mom I would be. I would put the baby on a schedule from the beginning. She would never be addicted to a pacifier. She would sleep through the night at 8 weeks old, just like the babies in all of my baby books. And then I thought of how one by one all of my ideas came tumbling down around me. Schedule? Hah! What's a schedule? You don't need a life! Pacifier? Don't be so prideful, she's addicted to sucking the tag on her sleep sack--can't sleep without it. Sleep through the night? Not quite. She still wakes up several times "Squacking"as a mom in my library group calls it. Then I prayed, "God, help me to let go of all of these ideas I thought makes a good mommy, and help me to just be my own good mommy, whatever that is." I thought of what I would find when I got home: Shane feeding the baby. I held onto this image as I ran the last 5 blocks back to my car. When I got home I got what I really wanted. Shane was feeding the baby her dessert: peaches, and crooning whatever was on the ipod. I loved being a mommy right then, as Carissa gave me a big peachy smile.

Size 7 again!!! (Ok, you caught me out, I'm really a size 6)

2008-08-15T12:02:00.000-07:00

I'm so freakin' excited. Today's the day that I slipped on my pre-pregnancy size seven jeans, and they fit like a glove. Not too tight, not too loose, just right. I had tried them on a week or two after having Carissa. It was disgusting--they wouldn't even come up past my knees. A month or two later I tried again, up to my hips this time. This morning I woke up and it was drizzling and 65 degrees in the house. Time to try on the jeans again. Thank you Jack Quinn's Running Club!!!

Who the heck am I?

2008-08-02T20:29:00.000-07:00

Today I ran my first ever 5K. I sucked, I admit it. I was closer to the back of the pack than to the front. But I am so freakin proud that I actually got out there and did it. I have wondered my whole life, who the heck am I? And now that I'm a mom, without a "real job" I wonder about it even more. Leaving a full time job and becoming a full time mom can really cause an identity crisis. Am I supposed to be like those 1950's housewives who do all the cleaning, make the dinner, and kiss the husband when he comes home? Why aren't I as happy as other moms? Why am I so bored? Why don't I have a group of mommy friends to do things with? All of this pondering has caused me to try anything and do anything to help me find who I am as a mom. I've even tried running. I joined Jack Quinn's running club. Jack Quinn's is an Irish pub downtown where all sorts of people meet every Tuesday evening to run a 5K route. It turns out that I really like it. Even after feeling like I wanted to hurl after running so hard after my race this morning, this afternoon I was saying, I can't wait to try again.

2008-07-23T20:32:00.000-07:00

Tonight my baby woke up crying at 9:30. My heart leaped, I jumped up--your baby's cry can do that to you. I took her out of her crib and cradled her in my arms. I could just see her fuzzy, downy hair in the darkness. I rocked her back and forth, back and forth. She stopped crying within seconds and fell asleep again. I held her and breathed in her soft baby smell. Sometimes being a mom can be wonderful.

Will I ever like being a mom?

2008-07-22T19:35:00.000-07:00

Before I got pregnant I had grandiose, well, maybe not grandiose, but definitely inflated ideas of what being a mom would be like. I knew in the back of my mind that it would be hard. But I thought it would be the kind of hard like writing a 20 page paper in college was hard, or like confronting a parent of one of my second grade students was hard; you hold your breath, brace yourself, then you just do it. No, being a mom is NOT like that at all. You can't hold your breath, you'll just die from suffocation. When Carissa was born my husband, Shane, handed her to me and that was it: I was a mom. I played the roll I was supposed to play--I fed her, changed her, burped her. I cuddled her and counted all of her fingers and toes. But it wasn't until about the end of the first week that I started to freak out. I could not get any sleep. It was torture, pure hell. I woke up every 2 hours for the first three weeks to feed her. The hormones kicked into high gear about week 2. I couldn't stop myself from thinking that this beautiful baby would somehow die in the crib when I wasn't watching. I loved her so much that it physically hurt. Now Carissa is 5 months old. The hormones have leveled out, she's sleeping more, I should have the mom think under control, right? No, it never gets easier. I had this thought yesterday: what if I never like being a mom? What if I grow to resent this child? That thought made my blood run cold. I didn't want to admit that I didn't like being a mom. I wasn't this angelic mother who kisses and cuddles her child all day long like I thought I would be. I'm a sleep deprived woman who is stuck with a baby who fusses all day long. I confess, yesterday, if they were offering refunds for babies at the hospital, I would have taken one in a heartbeat. And at the same time I am utterly in love with my Carissa. One smile, one laugh, one coo and I am done for. She has me, once again, wrapped around her tiny finger.